I have made a decision.
It’s one that I have thought about for many years and now appears to be the right time.
I want to be rich.
As it is, I have but a few crumbled bills inside the Mason jar and I can’t even spend that because the ground is frozen.
What good is money if you can’t spend it?
Thus, I have decided to make myself rich by creating my own currency.
After all, isn’t that how our government works? If we need money, say for “stimulus” packages, we print more.
Me? I am not planning on printing my own money. First, I don’t have a printer.
Second? Well, I’m a new wave kinda guy. Progressive. Technologically advanced.
I embrace the new.
Wads of dirty bills in my pocket?
Becoming rich is not as simple as it sounds.
First, I had to do research, which meant “hitting the books.”
Since books are archaic, this meant going straight to the only source of trusted information on the planet: My favorite pedia, Wiki.
It took me less than five minutes to discover the key to becoming wealthy: Cryptocurrency.
By now, most everyone knows what Bitcoin is. Well, at least we know the term.
No one, however, knows how it works.
Bitcoin was created by Satoshi Nakamoto in 2008.
Just like Bitcoin, this Nakamoto is veiled in a shroud of shadowy cloudy secrecy. We don’t even know if he, or she, is a real person.
Some believe it is a group of people. Others believe aliens created Bitcoin.
Still others believe Bill Gates is behind this.
Either way, a single Bitcoin is now worth $48,000 on the stock market.
Bitcoin is way too complicated for my purpose.
Lately Dogecoin has been all the rage.
Dogecoin has actual real people as creators: Billy Markus and Jackson Palmer, a pair of computer geeks.
They decided, as a joke, to create Dogecoin.
It took only a few hours to create Dogecoin, which now has a market value of $10 billion.
Even Master of the Universe, Elon Musk, is talking about it.
Creating such a thing is not for me, however.
I could, like most old-school idiots, pay actual real money to buy Dogecoin or Bitcoin on the market.
That would involve actually having money, which I don’t.
So I have to create my own currency, one that will allow me to pay all my bills, fix my car, feed my various pets and allow me to be a philanthropist.
Always wanted to be a philanthropist.
A simple, yet intricate, form of currency.
You don’t need to “mine” the coin using complex algorithms or logarithms or vast networks of high-powered computers.
I’m not selling Scottcoin on the market.
No. I’m simply going to use it to be rich.
My first test came Friday morning. There, atop my computer, was a $500 invoice for my latest tank of propane. The bill was due today.
“Hi. I’d like to pay my bill, “ I said to the woman at the propane company.
“Sure,” she said. “I have you on file with a Visa ending in ****. You want to use that to pay?”
“No,” I said, calmly. “I’m going to use Scottcoin.”
“Uh, did you say Scottcoin?”
“Yes. It’s like Bitcoin, only better,” I told her.
“Well I’m sorry sir, we don’t use that. You’re going to have to pay by credit card or check. We will even accept cash.”
“No, no no! You don’t understand. Scottcoin is real! I will just email or text you and voila! You’re paid in full!”
“Well, sir, I have no idea what you are talking about, but if we don’t get paid by tomorrow, we have no choice but to contact a collection agency,” she said.
“Fine, Yes, use my credit card.”
“Thank you. You are all set. See how painless that was?”
“Yes but a credit card isn’t real either. It’s just a set of numbers and you ASSUME that I have the actual cash to cover it. It’s no different than Scottcoin!”
It appears this is going to be more difficult than I expected.
I am going to need investors.
Consider this my Initial Public Offering: I am now selling Scottcoin for a mere $1 per coin, with a limit of 10,000 Scottcoins per investor.
Please email me at the email listed below and I will give you the details and where to route your cash.
Oh. And if you think this is a risky investment, Elon Musk just tweeted a tweet mentioning Scottcoin!
Scott DeSmit is a general assignment reporter for The Daily News. He can be reached at email@example.com.