I feel left out.
The last one chosen for the kickball game.
The wallflower at the school dance.
The last guy in line at the DMV.
It seems like everyone is being “canceled” these days.
Banned from Facebook and Twitter and Instagram.
What’s a guy have to do to get some attention around here?
To be fair to myself, I have to admit: I have been on Facebook for about 12 years now and I have never “posted” a single thing to my account.
I take great pride in that. I also don’t have a photograph of myself and absolutely nothing is in my “About” section.
I also don’t have a Twitter or Instagram or any other Tik or Snap-A-Gram or whatever is out there.
I am a relic, preferring to keep my most mundane thoughts and activities to myself, unless, of course, I write it here in this space.
Still, with all the advancement in technology, you would think I would have been banned/suspended/jailed for at least a few things.
Why? Because Facebook, Siri, Alexa see and hear all.
“Dad,” my daughter Jenna asked me the other day. “Do you ever wear boxer shorts?”
“Never,” I said.
They get all bunched up and, well, tighty whities are all I’ve ever known.
Uh-oh. Can I say “whities?”
Anyway, the very next time I picked up my phone POP came an ad for ...Rocky Balboa boxer shorts!
I have never seen an ad for boxer shorts on my phone.
And Facebook? No matter what I Google search for, whether it’s food for the guinea pigs or carpet for my house, Facebook bombards me with ads for such items.
So you would think that they, whoever they is, would be banning me left and right for some of the things I say out loud to myself while dancing in my tighty whities in the kitchen after a few beers.
I know many people who have been put in Facebook Jail.
Celebrities and politicians are getting banned left and right from social media. Others are getting “canceled” for whatever dumb thing they said or did.
It’s almost a badge of honor to be canceled or banned from social media.
Me? I feel left out. I haven’t even received any hate emails in months.
I used to have a box in the cabinet behind my desk filled with hate mail.
Yes. Mail. As in, hand-written letters tucked into an envelope and sent via the U.S. Postal Service.
Weird, I know.
“I’m canceling my subscription because of you!”
“I’m never reading your column again!”
“I’m lining my bird cage with your column! Birds can poop on your face!!!!”
I never knew so many people owned birds.
The hate mail made me feel wanted. I fit in.
I know. I could actually post something on Facebook. But that would go against everything I stand for.
Instead, I’m going to write it here, a little test to see who is reading this column.
The Earth is flat.
Obama was not born in the United States.
The government is planting mind-control devices inside the COVID vaccine.
All the school-church-factory-concert mass shootings have been staged.
CNN’s Anderson Cooper is a lizard alien who drinks the blood of babies.
The election was stolen!
Huh? Nothing yet? I will keep going ...
Mark Zuckerberg is
Scott DeSmit is a general assignment reporter for The Daily News. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.