(This column originally ran in 2013)
I knew it.
Area 51 is real.
It says so right in the previously classified CIA history of the U-2 spy plane program.
And it’s all over the news.
Nice try, CIA.
I’m sure all those goons in the CIA are having a good laugh at our expense.
“HA! The public are such morons!” they are probably saying in the break room. “Look at them salivating. If they only knew.”
Well, I know.
Of course Area 51 is real. We’ve known it for decades. We know exactly where it is and what goes on there and an entire tourist industry has been developed in Roswell based on what goes on at Area 51.
And every day for the past 60 years or so the government, with a smirk on its face, has denied its existence.
“That’s for us to know and you to find out,” they told us. “NAH-NAH! PHPHPHPT!”
It’s all a ruse. A big, fat lie.
See, what the CIA has done by “releasing” these “official documents” is further divert attention away from the real truth.
That is where the real action is and here, for the first time, I am going to reveal the truth.
Yes, the truth was out there but now it’s here, in my hands.
I submitted a Freedom of Information request on the first day I began working here at The Daily News 24 years ago.
I received a letter two days later.
“Dear Mr. DeSmit,” the reply said. “We have received your request and ***** ***** **** and then you can stick it ***** ***** so please be patient and give us more time to process ***** ***** and if you ever contact us again *** ******* 8****** 8**D*D*D***. Sincerely, THE CIA.”
The CIA is great at redacting. They love taking little black markers and crossing out information. Not necessarily relevant information or anything that can be deemed useful.
No. They do it for fun and to keep the conspiracy theorists guessing.
I’m no theorist. I’m a realist.
Anyway, after that first letter I continued to submit requests and questions to the CIA regarding Area 52 and many, many other things.
And each time I received a reply that basically told me to cease and desist or I will one day wake up with a horse’s head in my bed.
I persisted, adding new questions to my initial request. I wanted to know the truth, about everything.
Well, dear readers, persistence pays off. It was on Aug. 3 that I received a response from the CIA that reveals the truth. A 9,984-page document with not a single redaction. No black marks across the pages. No government jargon that would only serve to confuse the masses.
I do not have the space or the time to divulge everything today but I will give you some of the highlights of the many stunning revelations given to me by the CIA:
n In response to question 1: Yes, Area 52 is real. It’s actually right next to Area 51 but its cloaked. Like Harry Potter.
n In response to question 5: Yes, we do have the corpse of an extra-terrestrial in Area 52. His name was Harold and for 52 years he swept our floors and cleaned our bathrooms. He died in 2008. He was a swell guy. Or girl. We never could tell.
n In response to question 32: Yes, we wrote and produced “The X-Files” television show. Of course we did. We love diversion. Our staff of writers here at Area 52 are exceptional. And just so you know, every episode was actually based on true events. All of it was true, even the one with the funny alien smoking a cigarette! We here at the CIA believe that the truth is the best diversion.
n In response to question 113: No, we did not have President Kennedy killed. That’s just silly and it offends us and what does that have to do with Area 52?
n Oh. No, President Kennedy is not still alive and living in Area 52 with Marilyn Monroe. She’s dead, too. And even though you didn’t ask, Elvis, Michael Jackson and Jim Morrison are indeed dead.
n In response to question 118: No, we did not send a man to the moon. That, too, would be just silly. It’s a big rock, for goodness sake! What would be the point? I told you, our writers are great and our stage productions are just fabulous at Area 52.
n In response to your last question: No. You may not have a job at Area 52. You will toil and be poor for your remaining days. Just like we wanted it when we injected those chips in your arm when you got your “smallpox” vaccine. And thank you for your interest in the CIA and Area 52. Don’t be a stranger. (HA! That was a joke. We know everything about everyone.)
I’m sorry I don’t have room to fill you in on the rest. Perhaps someday I will learn how to create a PDF but until then, just know that the truth really is out there and all you have to do is ask.
(Scott DeSmit is a general assignment reporter whose column runs every Saturday. You can contact him at desmitmail@ yahoo.com.)