EDITOR’S NOTE: Scott DeSmit is on vacation. This originally ran in 2010.
News from the year 5,010:
Scientists have discovered that the famous author and rock and roll star Scott DeSmit had a number of deformities, despite popular belief that he was possibly the most handsome man in the known universe and perfect in every way.
Clues came from 3,000 years of testing on the remains of Mr. DeSmit. Generations of scientists have plucked and probed and prodded and pretty much went over every inch of his body with a fine-tooth iComb.
The results, his many followers say, are disturbing.
“It demeans not only him but his billions of adoring fans,” said Lila Goodenplenty, president of the Scott DeSmit Fan Club. “No matter what they tell me, I will always think of him as 21st century perfection.”
DeSmit was long believed to have perfect features and his image, which still adorns billboards and cereal boxes throughout the world, is definitely tainted by the new revelations, much like similar revelations made in the year 2010 when scientists ruined everyone’s image of King Tut.
Tut, for those who don’t recall, was an Egyptian pharaoh whose tomb was discovered in 1922, a tomb filled with a dizzying array of jewels and artifacts and a golden funeral mask.
The mask revealed a most handsome young pharaoh who lived a silver-spoon life and died a tragic death.
The image lasted for nearly a century, promoted in film and book and world tours of his artifacts. King Tut, though in his day a minor figure, was the most revered and popular of all Egyptian pharaoh-gods.
Until 2010, when scientists revealed that King Tut was a frail boy with a club foot, cleft palate and the product of an incestuous relationship between brother and sister.
Not only that, scientists claimed, Tut died of malaria. Simple and uneventful as that. No murder. No mystery.
Died from a mosquito bite.
So, Tut was pushed aside and forgotten, all because he was ugly, deformed and inbred.
Fast-forward 3,000 years and in an ironic twist of irony, DeSmit, who once railed against the desecration of King Tut, is now the subject of scientific speculation.
“Leave the poor kid alone,” DeSmit wrote in 2010. “Hasn’t he been through enough? Sleeping peaceful in his tomb for thousands of years, playing with cats and counting his jewels in what had to be a wonderful afterlife. Then some schmuck comes in and hauls his carcass out. Howard Carter? Hate him. And when I die, just leave me the heck alone. No one is to touch one hair on my overly-hairy body. Got it? Good.”
Unfortunately for DeSmit and the image of him that, some say, was manufactured after his death in 2049, that didn’t happen.
DeSmit died under mysterious circumstances, though his remains were perfectly intact when found near a Wal-Mart Nuclear Substation.
“Intact and beautiful,” Goodenplenty said. “To me, he never died. Never did, never will. He will live forever, no matter what those goofs at Apple iDNA iTechnologies say.”
Those scientists say this much is clear: DeSmit was not only bald but had a beer belly. He also had numerous stray hairs, some of which protruded not only from his ears but nose.
He also had knee problems and a torn rotator cuff that never properly healed. His teeth were crooked and scarred from peeling the caps from beer bottles.
“His buttocks, while shapely, were rather hairy and had flattened somewhat with age,” the Apple iDNA report said. “His calves, once powerful, had softened and he had weird ankles.”
Though purely speculation, scientists also said that DeSmit “likely picked his nose when no one was looking and was not quite as charming and witty as legend has it.”
Apple and Wal-Mart scientists say their tests on DeSmit will likely continue into eternity, in a better effort to understand just what made him tick.
“He was an enigma wrapped on a mystery wrapped in a conundrum,” the report said. “During his lifetime many tried to figure him out and many failed. We will succeed.”
Scott DeSmit is a general assignment reporter whose column runs every Saturday. You can contact him at email@example.com.